(theme music playing)
(cheering, applause)
Welcome, welcome, welcome to "Last Week Tonight"!
I'm John Oliver. Thank you so much for joining us.
Just time-- Just time for a quick recap of the week,
and it has been a little bleak,
from Hungary closing borders to refugees
to increased tensions between Israelis and Palestinians,
but there was one ray of pure, joyful light
from New Zealand this week,
hobbits' Australia.
Their prime minister, John Key,
appeared on a radio show and was asked to take part
in one of their regular segments,
where a guest has to honestly answer
10 yes-or-no questions.
Are you ready to play "Thank You for Your Honesty"?
Do I get a choice? No.
No? Okay, fine. Deep breath and you'll be fine.
Okay, let me stop you there, 'cause that's already amazing.
The prime minister just let himself be overruled
by two morning radio DJs!
Are they like the supreme court in New Zealand or something?
And if you're thinking they might have gone easy on him,
they did not.
Man: Was the Virgin Mary really a virgin?
No. I promise, John Key, this is an important one.
Do you trim your downstairs? No.
Have you ever done wees in the shower? Yes.
Have you ever stolen anything? Mmm... yes.
Have you ever sent a dick pic? No.
(laughter)
Holy shit!
I don't know what I love the most there:
The fact he felt qualified to weigh in on the Virgin Mary,
the fact he confessed to theft and shower urination,
or his admission that he does not trim his pubic hair.
This is the single greatest political interview of all time.
I actually think the only time he might've lied
is regarding the dick pic question,
because of course he has sent one, and I'll tell you why.
When you are Prime Minister John Key, every pic is a dick pic.
That's a fact. That's just a fact.
So, let's move on.
Let's move on now to Mexico,
the only place you can get a truly authentic volcano quesarito.
Mexico's president, Enrique Peña Nieto,
has been struggling in the polls recently.
Man: Poverty remains deep-rooted,
and massacres involving security forces
and corruption scandals
has made Peña Nieto the most unpopular president in 20 years.
Wow. Mexico's most unpopular president.
That's actually impressive, because until recently,
the most unpopular president in Mexico
was still American president James K. Polk,
also known in Mexico as "that guy who took Texas from us."
Mexicans are justifiably upset at the moment,
which is why a video that the Nieto government placed
on their YouTube page on Monday was such a bad idea.
Man: In a vignette set in working-class Mexico,
a carpenter tells off a workmate moaning
about the government's controversial reforms.
He ends his lecture with what the PR department
must have thought was a killer line.
(speaks Spanish)
Man: "Enough already of your complaining," he says in slang.
"Enough of your complaining"?
Have to say, you get used to hearing politicians say, "We've heard your voice,"
but they don't usually follow that up with,
"And it's annoying, so shut the fuck up."
(laughter)
Unsurprisingly, the Mexican public was not impressed.
(speaking Spanish)
Translator: How are we not going to complain
when there is so much wrong with the country?
If they solved the problems, we wouldn't be complaining.
Man: Twitter has jumped on the theme
with a long list of complaints they do have
in a country where corruption and impunity dominate.
Within hours, the video was gone.
Yeah, yeah, gone from their YouTube page,
but not gone from the Internet.
You'd think people would know by now you can't delete anything from the Internet.
The only way to guarantee no one will see something online
is to put it on Newsweek.com.
That's the only way to guarantee it.
And while the video may have been taken down,
the hashtag it inspired, Yachole, Spanish for "Enough,"
is going strong, with people tweeting things like,
"Enough with the excessive political theft,
"forced disappearances, and corruption,"
and "Enough with your corrupt and mediocre cabinet, Peña Nieto,"
and my absolute favorite-- a GIF that says,
"Enough with your..." and then just an exploding poop emoji.
And that is perfect,
because when a government decides to tell
its citizens to stop complaining,
they should know that shit is eventually going to blow up in your face.
And finally, this week, Denmark,
also known as Wrong Norway,
Different Sweden, and That's Actually Not Finland.
You may remember, last year the Copenhagen Zoo
caused something of an international scandal.
Man: A Denmark zoo is facing serious backlash
after it killed a two-year-old giraffe
and fed its remains to lions on Sunday.
Okay, now obviously, feeding a giraffe to lions is shocking,
although I will say I'm not a huge fan of giraffes.
They look like a camel fucked a cheetah and took neck Viagra.
And yet-- And yet, despite the global outcry,
just a few weeks later, the zoo was at it again.
Woman: That same Danish Zoo that killed a healthy giraffe
has now killed two adult lions and two lion cubs.
Yes, they fed the giraffe to lions,
and then killed some of the lions that ate it.
Who did they then feed the lions to?
It seems pretty soon the Copenhagen Zoo is going to be one really fat meerkat
sitting atop a giant pile of bones.
And after all this, you would think
Denmark would tone down the dead animal stuff a bit,
but now, a different Danish zoo has taken things to a whole new level.
Man: A zoo in Denmark has an extreme demonstration planned for next week.
Odense Zoo has recently announced its plans
to dissect a lion in front of a crowd,
which will likely include children.
In fact, the event coincides with the fall school break.
It is true. On Thursday,
a Danish zoo dissected a lion in front of children.
And in case you're wondering how much they enjoyed that,
let me show you an actual photo from the event.
That is how much they enjoyed it,
because of course that's how much!
It's like you told them there's no Santa,
or that there is, but he's dead
and this is his spleen.
And incredibly, some in Denmark still insisted this was an excellent idea.
I think it's very important for kids to know
how the animals look like inside.
(mockingly) Yes. Yes, you must learn what a lion looks like when cut into bits.
You must learn what causes depression in bears.
You must learn what mosquitoes think when their parents die.
(mimicking buzzing) That's what they think.
(mimicking buzzing)
That's what they think.
(normal voice) And by the way, just in case you're assuming
this particular lion died a natural death,
you do not know Denmark.
The zoo in central Denmark says the female lion
was euthanized nine months ago because they had too many lions.
The lion has been kept in a freezer ever since.
I'll say this: If you're going to leave something
in your workplace freezer for nine months,
you'd better be sure to label it,
and even then it won't be safe, and I'll tell you why.
Janice in accounting don't give a fuck.
She don't give a fuck.
(mimics gnawing)
Listen, if Danish zoos are not going to stop this behavior,
they may as well start using it as a selling point.
(folk music playing) (announcer speaks Danish)
On behalf of the people of Denmark,
we'd like to invite you to visit one of our famous Danish zoos.
Come to Copenhagen and see amazing animals,
like our four sea lions.
(gun cocks, fires) Three sea lions.
Say hello to our camel Laurits
and our elephant Birgitte.
On Thursday, we strangle her.
Wave to the cute red panda before it's fed to otters.
And come see otters before they're fed
to one of our three sharks.
(gun cocks, fires) Two sharks.
Children will love getting to know our animals
and then seeing what's inside them.
And the memories of what they've seen
will never leave them.
(continues speaking) Denmark's zoos...
(cheers, applause) Moving on. Moving on.
Our-- Our main story tonight is Canada,
the country you think about so little...
That's it. End of sentence.
But that's a shame, because Canada is an important country.
They're our largest trading partner,
and the US-Canadian border is the longest in the world,
stretching all the way from the coastal town of Who-Gives-A-Shit, Alaska,
to the small fishing village of Great... Whatever, Maine.
And this makes it a little sad that you probably don't know
Canada is having a major election soon,
and by soon, I mean tomorrow
which is in around 50 minutes.
So, by the time we're done, you'll have waited
until literally almost the last moment
to learn the first thing about the Canadian election--
an election, by the way, of historic proportions.
Man: Today, a 78-day campaign begins.
By any standards, grueling,
and the longest on record since the 19th century.
Okay, okay, thinking 78 days is a long campaign
is absolutely adorable.
It's like a woman who has only ever seen one penis saying,
"That's the longest one ever. There couldn't possibly be one longer than that."
But I have to say, they've packed a lot into those 78 days,
particularly in the local races,
where one conservative candidate, Jerry Bance,
the owner of an appliance repair business
withdrew for a truly breathtaking reason.
Well, Mr. Bance had the misfortune
of being caught up in a "Marketplace" investigation
into the ethics of appliance repair businesses who do house calls.
Jerry Bance responded to a service call
at a house that was equipped with hidden cameras
as part of the "Marketplace" investigation,
and those cameras caught him urinating in a homeowner's coffee mug,
dumping the urine into a kitchen sink, giving it a quick rinse,
and then putting it back into the sink.
Oh! That is absolutely disgusting,
although it is surprising Canada was so shocked about urine in a mug,
considering that's exactly what Labatt Blue tastes like.
And-- But amazingly--
Amazingly, that's not even the most surprising scandal in Canada's local races.
An NDP candidate in Hamilton, Ontario,
is apologizing for making a joke about a Nazi death camp.
In a 2008 Facebook posting, Alex Johnstone said a picture
of an electrified fence post at Auschwitz looked phallic.
According to "The Hamilton Spectator,"
Johnstone says she did not know what Auschwitz was until now.
Wow! That is parading two different kinds of ignorance--
not knowing what Auschwitz is
and if she thinks that's phallic,
not knowing what a penis looks like.
And this kind of makes you wonder
who is running the schools up in Canada.
Man: Johnstone, a social worker by training,
is the vice chair of the Hamilton-Wentworth District School Board
and a school trustee.
Yes, she helped run a school board.
That would explain why their history curriculum includes the textbook,
"Poland, 1939-45: Things That Looked Like Dicks, Mainly."
And I know what you're thinking:
"Who cares about Canada's least-qualified school board member
"and Mug Dick, the handyman?
"These are just local elections."
But the thing is, Canadians don't elect their prime minister directly.
That's decided by how many MPs each party gets.
So, these local races are vital to who becomes Canada's next leader,
and the polls are split
between the three major parties:
the New Democratic Party, or NDP,
the Liberal Party, and the Conservatives.
It's a good, old-fashioned Canadian three-way,
which is also the sex act in which three people apologize
to each other so hard, they all climax.
The socialist NDP began the election ahead in the polls,
but they've since lost momentum,
partly because their leader, Tom Mulcair,
widely thought to be an excellent legislator
has not been the most comfortable campaigner.
Here is Mulcair trying out some slogans.
Health care, childcare,
Pharmacare, Mulcair.
(cheering)
This is what change looks like.
Oh! You are not what change looks like.
I understand you're talking about your policies,
but still, change, visually, does not look
like Paul Giamatti's uncle reading a rhyming dictionary.
Now, as for the Liberal Party, they are currently in the lead,
campaigning on a platform of tax breaks for the middle class
and a plan to run a three-year deficit to boost the economy
and ease the strain of austerity measures.
Their leader is Justin Trudeau,
son of former Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau,
a legendary political figure in Canada.
Although there is some concern that Justin Trudeau
may not be quite as smart as his father,
as a journalist who has covered him concedes.
His father was considered sort of intellectually brilliant smart.
Does he have that kind of smarts?
No. And he will tell you that himself.
But he...
he has-- I think other people have used this word, too--
he has an emotional intelligence that Pierre Trudeau didn't have.
Ouch! Ouch! "Emotional intelligence."
That is the kind of made-up quality you might find on a report card
from a Montessori school.
Well done, Zayden! You got a squirrel on Emotional Intelligence.
But on Actual Intelligence, you got a frowning walrus
which is an "F." That's an "F," Zayden.
Let's make that walrus smile.
Now, while growing up in the public eye
has given Justin Trudeau name recognition,
it also has had its drawbacks.
For instance, if you do a Google image search on him,
you can find every poor fashion choice that he's ever made,
from a '90s boy band member
one week before entering rehab,
to an L.L. Bean sweater model who just underwent a lobotomy
to Johnny Depp's evil twin.
And it's not just photos.
There's also embarrassing videos out there,
like this one in which he explains his party trick
of pretending to fall down a flight of stairs.
(speaking French)
Translator: Let me show you how it normally works.
I put a person here, and I'm passing, so it's like, "Hey.
"How are you?" (yells)
What? Look, look, look, look.
No one is saying that that is behavior worthy of a head of state,
but you cannot deny that it is somewhat satisfying
to watch a soul-patched man named Justin
with a French accent just fall down some stairs.
There's something there that's good about it.
And Trudeau's opponents have used his lightweight reputation against him,
by running ads like these.
Man: Is Justin ready?
Man 2: Justin thinks budgets balance themselves,
Man: But Justin hasn't thought that through.
Justin doesn't understand the consequences.
Man 3: Justin. He's just not ready.
Now, repeatedly calling him Justin is actually very clever,
because the more you say that name,
the less ready for office he sounds.
The name Justin doesn't convey leadership
so much as it conveys an unwillingness to sit still at the pediatrician's office
or ownership of a System of a Down tattoo
halfway through a painful laser-removal process.
Those are the two types of Justin that exist, and just those two.
But despite these concerns, polls show that Justin
is currently leading incumbent Prime Minister Stephen Harper,
a man who, thanks to Canada's lack of term limits,
has already been in office for almost 10 years.
And while Trudeau has been painted as a charismatic pretty boy,
no one has ever said either of those things about Stephen Harper.
Just watch him try to appear relatable.
Something you might not know about me is that I love movies and TV shows.
One of my all-time favorites is "Breaking Bad."
It's even available on some online streaming services, if you've never seen it.
(laughter)
"I love movies and TV shows"
isn't a statement that wins over voters.
It's what an alien in disguise as a human
tells you while trying to fit in at a dinner party.
But don't be deceived by his bland exterior.
Where there is banality, there is evil.
For instance, Harper's government has passed numerous laws
weakening Canada's environmental protections,
they've scaled back health care for some refugees,
which a federal court called "cruel and unusual,"
and Harper himself has taken an extremely strong position on marijuana.
There's just overwhelming and growing scientific and medical evidence
about the bad long-term effects of marijuana.
We've spent a couple of generations
trying to reduce the usage of tobacco in Canada
with a lot of success.
Tobacco is a product that does a lot of damage.
Marijuana is infinitely worse.
Are you high?
Marijuana is not worse than tobacco.
The only context in which that's true is aesthetics.
Look at Paul Newman. Okay.
Now look at whatever the fuck this is.
Marijuana is infinitely worse
in that context and that context alone.
But Harper's ugliest tendency is perhaps his pandering to Islamophobes.
Earlier this year, his government passed a law called the...
...stiffening penalties for things like honor killing and polygamy,
despite the fact both those things were already illegal in Canada.
And then a few weeks ago, they suggested a barbaric cultural practices hotline
despite the fact 911 continues to exist in Canada.
And this is on top of the fact that they once banned women
from wearing the niqab while taking the oath of citizenship,
a decision that Harper justified
during a French-language debate like this.
Translator: I would never tell my daughter
that a woman should cover her face
because she's a woman. I would never say that.
Okay. For a start, if Stephen Harper's daughter
is covering her face, it's probably because she understandably
does not want to be seen in public with Stephen Fucking Harper.
But-- But this isn't a debate about his parenting,
it's a debate about forbidding one particular religious practice,
and to hear from one of the women affected by the ban,
she did not appreciate it.
Woman: How do you explain to Canadians why it's so important
to keep your veil on while taking the oath?
Because the Canadi-- I actually chose this country for--
the reason is, it provides me with the freedom
of my-- to practice my religion as well.
And Canada's federal courts actually agreed with her,
'cause she sued Harper's government and won,
presumably arguing that if Harper was happy
to let Canadians interact with their government dressed like this,
she should be allowed to wear whatever the fuck she wants.
And if all of that-- (cheers, applause)
If all of that were not enough
to make you hate Stephen Harper,
there's also the fact that he has a band
a terrible, terrible band.
* Sweet Caroline * Bah-bah-buh
* Good times never seemed so good *
That is Stephen Harper murdering "Sweet Caroline"
with his actual band that he chose to call the Van Cats,
an apparent play on "vingt-quatre," to represent 24 Sussex,
the name of the prime minster's residence. So, to recap there,
Harper's band's name is not just a shitty pun,
it's a shitty French pun on the fact that he is prime minister of Canada.
That is the least rock and roll thing imaginable...
until-- until you see this photo of Stephen Harper
with the lead singer of Nickelback.
And look-- look, I know it's hard for Americans to care about this,
but think of it this way.
Picture your next-door neighbor.
You may not be great friends with her, but you'd be sad
if she started dating a complete and utter dickhead.
Well, Canada is America's next-door neighbor
and Stephen Harper is her dickhead boyfriend.
You know, the one she won't split up with
despite the fact he tells her what to wear
and makes her listen to his shitty, shitty band.
And I would love to tell the people of Canada right now
to vote Stephen Harper out of office.
Unfortunately, and this is amazing,
it's against Canadian law,
specifically, Section 331 of the Canada Elections Act
which states, "No person who does not reside in Canada
"shall induce electors to vote or refrain from voting
"for a particular candidate."
And apparently, anyone found guilty of doing that
could be fined up to $5,000,
given a six-month jail term, or both.
That is a ridiculous law,
and I guess what you're saying, Canada, is...
"You want to dance?"
Is-- Is that what you're saying?
'Cause if you want to dance, Canada,
bring your best moves, 'cause it's nearly midnight
and Johnny's got his dancing shoes on.
You think I'm scared of six months in Canadian prison?
What's that? Six months of living in Ottawa?
Yes! That's right!
Keep yourself warm with that Ottawa burn.
And as for your $5,000 fine,
I simply can't imagine a better way to spend
5,000 Canadian dollars.
But if telling you not to vote for Stephen Harper is going to cost me $5,000,
I'm going to get my money's worth,
and I'm gonna do it in the most Canadian way possible.
So please come with me.
(cheering) Because I'm going to tell you
not to vote for Stephen Harper alongside this beaver
* playing "Sweet Caroline" on the keyboard
and this moose receiving a colonoscopy
under Canada's fantastic single-payer health care system,
and finally with the help of one of Canada's finest sons--
Mike Meyers dressed as a Mountie riding a snowplow!
Yes! It doesn't get more Canadian! (loud cheering, whistling)
It just doesn't get more Canadian than this!
I think I have your full attention, Canada!
Oh yes!
Oh yes.
Yes. Yes.
Hi, Mike. Hi. Hi, John, how are you?
(stammers) Thank you so much for doing this.
Is there anything you'd like to say at this point?
Yes, there's lots I'd like to say. Okay.
I love Canada, but the fact that it has a law
banning outsiders from telling Canadians how to vote
Mm-hmm. is one of the least Canadian things possible.
Sure. Oh, and... don't vote for Stephen Harper.
Exactly. Exactly.
Don't do it, and I'll tell you why.
Stephen Harper doesn't care about black people!
(music stops)
Oh God! Not again!
Sorry. Sorry. My mist-- What I meant to say was,
Stephen Harper doesn't care about Muslim people!
Totally fair. Yeah. Yeah. There you go. There you go.
I think he made that pretty clear. I think it was painful,
so please do not vote for Stephen Harper!
Yeah, don't do it! Shall we?
Shall we, Mike? Let's. Don't-- Yeah, look at this.
Here's your $5,000 Canada! 5,000 dineros, yeah.
Look at this. Oh! Here's your 5,000!
Take it! Take it all!
And now... this. Achoo!
* (announcer speaks)
In terms of your question,
I travel all around the country, all over,
meeting people and making announcements.
(announcer speaks)
Obviously don't agree on everything,
but he understands that--
I think everybody understands
that Canada's a sovereign country.
And finally-- finally tonight,
quotations, the karaoke of ideas.
Quotations make us sound smart.
That's why politicians love throwing them around.
In fact, just recently, Ben Carson decided to quote a founding father.
Thomas Jefferson himself said,
you know, "Gun control works great
"for the people who are law-abiding citizens,
"and it does nothing for the criminals,
"and all it does is put the people at risk."
(laughter)
I'm pretty sure Jefferson did not say that,
in part because the term "gun control"
wasn't even used in its modern sense until the 1960s.
Now, to be fair, the gist of the quote
does appear in Jefferson's handwriting,
but it was apparently a paraphrased quote
from Italian philosopher Cesare Beccaria
that Jefferson had copied into his journal.
And you cannot give people credit
for saying things they copied into notebooks.
Otherwise, my teenage self would've been able
to claim credit for the Pythagorean theorem
and most Smashing Pumpkins lyrics.
But Carson is just one offender.
In this election cycle alone,
BuzzFeed found that Mike Huckabee, Scott Walker, and Rand Paul
had all misquoted great American figures,
which may seem like unpresidential behavior
were it not for the fact that a surprising number of presidents
have done the exact same thing.
I came upon this quote by Abraham Lincoln.
"I am not bound to win
"but I'm bound to be true."
The principles so eloquently stated by Abraham Lincoln,
quote, "You cannot strengthen the weak
"by weakening the strong."
Mr. Lincoln once said that you can fool
all of the people some of the time,
and you can fool some of the people all of the time,
but you cannot fool all of the people all the time.
Lincoln never said any of those things!
None of them!
Nor did he say, as this tank top sold on Etsy would have you believe,
"Four score and seven beers ago."
Not that either!
And the Internet is only making this epidemic of misattributing quotes worse.
Representative Jody Hice spent his 2014 campaign
covering his Facebook page and Twitter feed
with completely inaccurate quotes from the founding fathers,
like this one, which reads, "Most bad government
"has grown out of too much government,"
which there is no record of Jefferson ever saying.
In fact, it sounds much more like something Ayn Rand would've said
but, you know, using around 80,000 more words.
But that is the problem with memes.
If you have the right font, and the right photo,
any quote can seem real, and I'll tell you how I know that.
Because for years now,
you may have seen multiple photos of me
comparing gun control to airport security.
It's an interesting thought. Here's the thing.
I never said that!
Even though I've now seen it so many times
I'm starting to genuinely wonder if I did!
Because with just a few minutes of photoshopping,
You can make it seem plausible that anyone said anything.
For instance, did you know Alexander Hamilton
once said, "I'm not here to make friends. I'm here to win"?
Or that Marie Curie said,
"After the show, it's the after-party.
"After the party, it's the hotel lobby."
I mean, they didn't say either of those things,
but admit it-- there is some small part of you that now thinks they might've done.
It seems we have got a decision to make at this point.
Either we care about the accuracy of quotes
and make sure that they're correctly sourced,
or we don't care at all, which is why
we have created a website called...
which will generate random misquotes
from historical figures,
such as Thomas Jefferson saying...
Because if quotes no longer have to be real,
they should at least be fun. So, please, go online to...
...hit the "Deliver me some wisdom" button
and share the misattributed quotes
with the rest of the world.
And, in the words of Adolf Hitler...
So thank you so much for watching!
A huge thanks to Mike Myers!
Good night!
(theme music playing)